Have you ever noticed that when you seem to be trying to do things right there is ALWAYS resistance in either that area, or another that is very close to your heart. For those of you that know me, you know that I suffer from a terribly low self esteem, and now for those of you that don't know me, now you know. I have done much better in recent years, but I seem to let little things creep in and destroy any positive thing that has begun. It tends to begin with people. Much of the time with people that I am close to. I have been pretty excited about a few things recently, and in one foul swoop my enthusiasm was squashed! DARN IT! I'm not giving up, don't worry!
I think that is something else I need to work on. My attitude about disappointments, and failures and what or rather where my happiness is found? I know the scriptures, I know what they say. I believe the Word of God is true and that God loves me, that He sent His Son to die for me, and that I have received Salvation through Jesus Christ. I simply seem to have wavering faith when it comes to me. I am nothing.
I have so much inside that I want to do , or want to say, but when it comes out.... well it doesn't sound as good as it was supposed to. Hmmmmm, could I be listening to the wrong voice? I think part of the time I listen only to the loud booming voice of my inner insecure self, rather that quietly waiting for that still small voice that will guide me.
Oh, if we could just live up to our expectations, or even our intentions!!!
I could do so much it would be amazing. Yes, super woman I would be. I could leap large piles in a single bound. I could have a spotless home (dustless anyway) by simply blowing it away. My laundry would be done in record time because I would have warp speed. I think God and I will have to have a discussion about some of my issues when I get to heaven. I have always wondered why God didn't give mother's a retractable arm that would appear when a third hand is necessary as you do all of the things a mother has to do. Why weren't we born with a programmable chip to be everything to everybody. Sort of like Rosie from the Jetsons. I'm already built like her (minus the wheels for feet).
This is a strange post, but oh well. I'm writing....
Let me see. There are so many things I want to do right now, (I now want to paint my living room. Help me Tina) but I know I need to finish the ones I already started. Jeff kind of got on my case about my book last night. He said that I am getting grumpy when people ask me about it. I guess I hadn't noticed that part. I 'm sorry if I groused at you if you asked me. I have been pre-occupied about a few other things recently. The book has gone no where. I am still waiting for God to tell me what to do. Not one of the brightest excuses, but that's the way it is. I am simply at a stand still. I really want to finish this project. So much so that is why I quit my job last June.
Jeff just built me a new computer desk, and we are in the process of getting it set up and building it in like you do a cabinet. I just wanted to get it done, and set up... we've been talking for two years about doing this. Well, now it's installed but I need to get everything moved over from this desk to the other desk. It will give me room to study and to write. Maybe. For some reason I started an argument about the whole thing. Who knows why. Of course he (Jeff) added a few things to the conversation, but needless to say by the time it was all said and done I felt like crawling into a pit. For those of you that are Beth Moore people, yes, I need to crawl out of that thing. I have changed a few of the pictures that my pit is papered with, but I am still hanging there with my fingernails clinging to the top.
I am getting better. At least I can see daylight, and I'm clinging to the top rather than the bottom. I just need to learn to overcome those lousy moments of insecurities and condemnation. God has a purpose for people like me, He's given me a job. I'm just afraid I'll be a disappointment, or be disappointed. Whooeeee. I am really being honest here. I was accused of needing people's approval (last night's conversation) and in SOME ways I guess I do. I am really searching for God's approval. His "stamp" on the things that I am attempting to do. I need His guidance, His words, His direction. (His publisher). I guess the essence of what I am saying is that I need MORE OF HIM AND LESS OF ME.
I need to finish this and turn off the computer to get it moved. It'll be so nice when I FINISH this project!