Monday, June 2, 2008


Just when you think you can handle things why is it you get ambushed? I was getting ready to go to the funeral for Marie Mason today, and all of a sudden I got zapped with a "bout" of depression. I literally felt like I was in a hole that was so narrow and deep that I could hardly breathe, and now it has turned into a migraine. Needless to say, I did not go to the funeral. Now I feel guilty! I guess in my mind I think that since it has been eight years since Liz's death, that I am well beyond things like that happening. Well, for all of you that have no idea what I am talking about I apologize, for those of you that have been there done that, please pray for me.

I know that I have a huge job ahead of me in re-writing my book for the umpteenth time, and trying to condense it for three different magazines. I am so excited, yet feel overwhelmed. I think that, along with the emotions of a funeral for someone I loved, was just a combination that did not mix.
While I was getting ready to go, (then decided I couldn't) I did have some ideas for the magazines. I just need to get them down on paper. However, I need to recover first. I'm surpised I am even blogging at the moment.

I have to take my dad to the hospital on Wednesday so he can have a surgical procedure done. He has bladder cancer. This will be (I think) the 10th surgery he has had in the last 17 months. Whew. It makes me tired even thinking about spending the entire day waiting again. Unfortunately, my dad thinks the cancer has gotten worse. He really needs to get his heart/life right with God, because we feel his days are numbered, and that isn't good. He will be 78 this month, and for some reason he has gotten through this life on the coattails of a lot of other people. He seems to slide through life without much effort, and somehow, someway he lives through it to see another day. It's pretty hard on my family.

My mom is having health issues too, and will go to a surgeon tomorrow to see what her options are. Getting older is tough on the body. It seems to want to fall apart. My parents are divorced since April of 2000. Just a month before we lost Liz. It was a tough year. Y2K would have been much simpler. I don't like thinking about my parents falling apart. It's painful not only for them, but for me to think about.

As you can see, I am struggling a bit. I need to get beyond this and do what God has put before me. It is not easy being obedient, especially when you don't exactly know where to begin...again.

My editor/friend is leaving for a 5 month internship at a large ministry, so I need to make contact with him before he leaves. He is not planning on taking a computer with him, so that means that I better get myself in gear. He leaves at the end of the week....Lord help!

I am meeting with my sister hoipefully on Wednesday (while we wait at the hospital) to talk about marketing my book, and also to discuss a Women's Seminar I may be starting. While I was at the conference in Colorado, I met several women that have individual speaking ministries, and so we may try to form a group that will travel, and use our testimonies to minister to hurting women! I know there are a lot of ministries doing that, but I do believe we have a unique message to share, so I will attempt to forge on and see if God is truly leading this. Obviously more prayer is needed, on my part and hopefully those of you reading will add this to your prayer list too.

I think with so much on the plate in front of me at the moment, that could be a good part of my struggle right now. It seems when we try to step out in faith and do something that is foreign to us, yet feel that God is leading us to do, we meet with a "few road blocks", and attacks. If God doesn't want me to do this, hey, no problem! That is that much less work than I thought I'd have. Faith, trust, hope, obedience, and let me see, a few other things are floating around in my head right now, things that I need to exercise a bit. It's hard to step out. I am so insecure and have such low self esteem that I question whether God actually wants to use me, or whether I am conjuring these things up in my head.

Speak Lord, I'm trying so hard to hear You! And talk really loud! I can be a little deaf at times.

1 comment:

Tina said...

Wow, Becki, I just read this post and am slowly processing it. You have such a high calling on your life because the message you have to share is so important for others to hear. I will certainly keep you in my prayers for strength, clarity, vision, a stirring of your passion for what you have to communicate as you rewrite your book.
Much love and respect for stepping out and doing what is hard when it's hard
Blessings and prayers